So today I want to share something (two things actually) quite close to my heart. The first is the replay of last night’s training call which was a big deal for me for very personal reasons but also I have a confession to make.
This confession is actually the catalyst for last night’s training call, because without what I learnt during this season I wouldn’t have been able to share at all.
What is it?
Well, I’m actually quite embarrassed because I was so heavily invested in it and it didn’t work out exactly like I thought it would. But I did learn some amazing lessons about trust and trusting God. Last year I was hugely impressed to go back to university and start a masters course. I’m one of those people that although I love to learn, I don’t commit to big things like going back to university unless it’s something that I feel really impressed or convicted to do.
After many years of umming and ahhing and searching for the ‘perfect course’ I stumbled across one that fitted the bill and had a strong impression to apply for it. I was sitting with hubby at the kitchen table and I said really boldly along the lines of “2016 I’m going to get on the Masters and nothing is going to stop me!”
So even though I hate lengthy application forms and I had to jump through lots of hoops and loops I started the application process. Whenever I felt that it was just all a bit too much, I remembered that strong feeling I had about doing my MSc and put my head down to overcome that hurdle and just do it.
I remember praying and saying to God how much I wanted it, but also telling myself that since I wasn’t the one who given myself that really strong impression YHWH had this all in hand so I could stop worrying.
Then I was called in for the interview. (Fist pump Yes!!!!)
It was only when I was in the interview room did I realise that I was at such a huge disadvantage. I could tell that the course directors were on my side but truth be told I was the weakest of all the candidates as I had no clinical experience and they didn’t hide this fact from me.
The course started in January and my interview was near the end of November, If I was accepted onto the course I would need to:
- secure a clinical placement
- secure a clinical supervisor
- secure a loan for my fees
I started scouring for a placement and a supervisor, getting a supervisor was relatively easy as they get paid to supervise you but…. finding a placement was a lot harder. It was that old conundrum, I need a placement to get clinical experience but I first needed clinical experience to get a placement.
This was another area where I really had to lean into God. Time was ticking away with only 5 days left to my enrolment, I had no placement and I had just found out that my loan had fallen through. I can tell you that I wanted to give up – what was the point when everything seemed to be going wrong?
But, I remembered that feeling I had right at the beginning and I decided that I wasn’t going to think about the how I was just going to put one foot in front of the other. But it cost me, everything I did, every thought I had was about how I was going to get onto that course.I wasn't going to think about the how I was just going to put one foot in front of the other. Click To Tweet
I had two possible placements leads left: an opportunity with a mental health organisation plus supervision and the other an old job with me paying for supervision. I booked a meeting with both, it took me going back to the charity twice to seal the deal. Even though they knew they would have to work with me from scratch to get me up to speed they were still willing to invest in me, I could clearly see God’s hand in this. Leaving the meeting I praised God, now the only thing I needed to worry about was the funding. But God had already given me all these signs and broken down the walls to get here, I felt sure that this would be nothing for YHWH.
So I enrolled and started university but there was a cloud over my head. I still hadn’t managed to raise the first instalment for the course and I was left with 10 days to raise £1250! I tried so many different things to raise that money, I spoke to my course directors who spoke to the finance department but they could not give me an extension.
With only a few more days to the deadline and so frustrated from trying to make it happen I had to come to a decision, did I want this issue to keep on consuming me, taking me away from all the other things that I had in my life or was I ready to let it go?
I decided that I was ready to let it go and at the least defer entry for another year. I was upset, I won’t lie. I felt let down by God, after all, what was all those signs about that He given to me?
But stepping back I realised how all of it had actually made my faith and trust in God stronger. Each time He showed up for me it gave me the boldness to step out in ways I wouldn’t have done before. It showed me His ability to provide unexpectedly and supernaturally from unlooked for sources. In essence it opened my eyes to see and believe in more. And even though I have had to defer entry, I did actually start the course. I realised that although on paper I looked like the weakest candidate, in many ways I am more than able to do this.
I also discovered that just because something doesn’t work out exactly like you planned it doesn’t mean that it’s the end of the road. I was sure that my placement would come to an end because I was no longer studying but, I couldn’t be more wrong. They were ecstatic to have me stay on and now I’m not only learning clinical skills but I have the opportunity to try out new things such as running workshops and peer support groups. Most of all it has given me the freedom to think more clearly about what I really want and why I do what I do before the next academic year.just because something doesn't work out like you planned, it doesn't mean it's over Click To Tweet
When I was so busy rushing around to try and meet the requirements for starting the course I was never fully present, inside I was so busy, noisy and full up. It was a huge wave of relief to just be quiet and still again so that i could re-connect with myself once more.
So there you go, there’s my confession. I have learnt the benefits of trusting God in both the doing and the letting go yet, in all I truly do see that all things work for our good.
Now for the replay – this is the first 20 minutes of the training call. Please contact me if you would like access to the full version. Plus don’t forget to subscribe to find out about upcoming training calls every month.