***Every once in a while I want to let you into my own growth and healing journey, I can’t promise it will be regular but I hope that it will be honest enough to encourage you.***
I’m feeling sentimental today. I’m looking back over my past websites here and here and each of them represent a part of me, a period of my life, footsteps on my healing journey. Although many times we may feel that it would be nice to reminisce and go back, the truth is that we can never go back, going back is never the same because we are never the same. No matter how safe or familiar, no matter how tied we may feel to the past, at some point in time we need to recognise that YHWH didn’t create us to grow down but to grow upwards. YHWH didn’t create us walk backwards, He created us to walk forwards, yes even into the unknown and the scary. He speaks these words over our internal storms “peace be still”, and if we listen hard enough we can feel the storm settling deep within us.
I have this habit of holding onto stuff, I was thinking of writing a blog post this morning and umming and ahhing about which one of my websites I should post it on. I read an old post from On the Road to Healing and I was so touched by my words that I thought I would write my new blog post there just so that I could still feel connected to it. Then I remember my first ever blog, the one that started it all off and I feel bad that I have let that slip and was wondering if I could write my new post there instead. But the truth is that even as much as I am connected to those websites and they hold a piece of my heart, they have served their purpose. To be fully me and to be fully integrated I need to embrace this as truth and not try to divide myself across these spaces, I can’t be one thing to some people, another thing to another group and something else here. I am me, beautifully flawed and on my way to perfected me. And boy does that feel good to say.
I am leaving those websites up for a reason, partly to honour the person I was when I wrote them, but for a couple of other reasons too. Those websites were where I first learnt how to open myself up and write from the heart, sharing my journey, vulnerabilities and the the insights that God shared with me. I love being able to go back and read the words I have written just like picking up one of my old journals and marvelling at how well I write and how much I was able to convey what I was experiencing. The other reason is that people still find me through those websites. Maybe one day I will transfer some of those writings over here, but maybe not, after all who knows I could move again lol.
Maybe you’re a bit like me. Feeling divided and pulled in different directions? Well, let me tell you a bit about me. I’ve allowed how other people view me to control me for far too long. Because I longed to feel accepted I found myself splitting myself into different parts, and I was a different version of me on each website I created, on each business or ministry venture I set out on. It was a completely horrible way to live. I found myself wanting to be me, knowing that the real me was beautiful and special yet not knowing who that was any more. I felt afraid that if I was to open myself up and let the real me out that I would get swallowed up by the demands, expectations, desires and loudness of those around me. I felt that I didn’t have the strength to withstand the pressure even if I wanted to and because I didn’t trust myself to protect myself, I created a prison for myself instead. In the walls of my prison I could be me to a certain extent without fear that other people would try and mould me or shape into who they thought I should be.
I feel pretty vulnerable sharing this with you, but I know that I can because your opinion of me although nice if good doesn’t shape or control me any more. I can be free to be me as scary as that may seem. It’s been a process, a journey of personal growth. I couldn’t get this breakthrough from attending a confidence workshop because I needed to go inwards, deeply inwards and allow parts of me that I had hidden deeply to begin to be exposed. If you have ever gone to counselling you will know that it can be extremely draining and tiring, you are releasing energy and burdens you have been carrying for yonks. Sometimes when I work with people they go through these valleys and then ascend their glorious mountains, that’s the healing taking place. Sometimes you need to allow yourself to go through those valleys because God walks with you and you will come out safe the other side no matter how dark or bleak it may seem.
So, my friends. I really want to encourage you in any way that you can be encouraged through my words. I have learnt that I have great power inside and maybe all along I have just been afraid of that power, after all that power was so great that it created a prison for me. Thoughts going through my mind such as “what would they say if they could see the real me?”, “What would they think if I stopped accepting their words as truth and started living my own truth?”, “How would I feel if everyone around me left and I was all alone?”. Yes, these aren’t happy thoughts for me, and as someone who has been bullied for my “specialness” I can see why I felt it was safer to hide my true essence away in a safe place. But the truth is that doing that nearly destroyed me, it made me sick, miserable, anxious and depressed. It is only through this process of growing into myself and allowing myself to be that I have truly began to embrace potential within and without.
I am still growing, I am still becoming, I am still healing yet I am beautiful and glorious in Him. Amein.
Can you see yourself in these words? Would you like to talk and see how I might be able to help you grow and move forwards? You’re too special to wait another moment to shine – contact me here.