Not only is this week the week of love but hey, it’s Valentine’s day and it’s got me thinking about important lessons from relationships especially what I’ve learnt in the pursuit of “Mr Right”.
As they say, the way you do one thing is the way you do everything, so that means you can learn about success and failure in other areas of your life from the way you do relationships. So in this post, I’m sharing some of my learnings with you.
You may not know this but I met my ex-partner when I was 18 years old and we were together until I was 35. I loved him and in a way he loved me but it was an unhappy, unhealthy co-dependent and dysfunctional relationship. One of the major issues was that because I loved him and probably because I met him at such a young age I really wanted him to change and be my “Mr Right”. I hung on for years, praying, believing God for it, swinging between encouraging him and berating him for not being the person I needed/wanted him to be. I say that he loved me in his own way but I never truly felt safe or secure in the relationship and neither could I be myself. I had gotten so used to accepting this as the norm that I was willing to sacrifice my own joy and happiness to keep him in my life. Sad I know.
But this is why we need to give YHWH praise because I would say that the last 4-5 years of the relationship God started working on me and that’s when everything changed. Now I’m going to jump for a moment because I want to point out an observation. Most women are looking for Mr Right, but what they are really looking for is someone who fulfils their checklist of what they think they want and not what they really need. It means that they are attracted to and set themselves up to be attractive to the wrong type of person based on the idea of what they think they want. Inevitably we end up getting hurt, becoming jaded, settling and staying in a relationship that we have no business being in. We hold on because we feel that with enough love and prayer that everything will work out and said partner will become everything we need him to be.
Uh-uh, that’s all wrong and we easily take that same line of thinking and being into other areas of our life. The issue is that our happiness and success are dependent on an external source becoming what we want it to be and as such we put ourselves in the position of waiting for it to happen and putting up with crap in the hope that eventually it will happen. We think that we are being noble, humble and sacrificial when in fact we’re just being downright blind and ignorant to the obvious.
So here’s what happened to me. Eventually, the relationship ended, it was the best thing for both of us, now did it hurt? Of course, I had loved this guy for about half of my life but at the same time, I knew it wasn’t right for me. I knew that there was something more, something better out there waiting for me and that I deserved and was worthy of a healthy and happy relationship.
God did bring someone new into my life and truth be told it happened more quickly than I could have ever imagined but the reason it happened so quickly was because I had changed. I remember our first date, I was filled with so much joy and peace and happiness that all I kept on thinking to myself was “thank you God”. It’s hard to explain but it’s the kinda feeling that you get when you just want to pinch yourself because you think it’s a dream, he, it and how we were together is much more than I could have imagined and I was and am still so, so grateful.
But do I call him “Mr Right”? No. Because Mr Right is something that society pumps out to keep women disempowered and waiting for their checklist man to swoop in and come and save the day. If I had to call him anything it would be Mr Thank God I found you and that’s the BIG difference.
With Mr Right you’re waiting for them to change so that you can start living your life but when I started to focus on me, changing me, healing me, getting to know me and what I really wanted and needed in life, what brought me pleasure and joy then I was able to attract and be attractive to the right type of person for the REAL me.
When you have gone through a tough journey of inner growth and transformation you can’t help but be grateful at the end of it. Yes, I was grateful for the relationship but more than anything I was grateful for the work that YHWH had done in me and who I am now. I was grateful for the courage, strength and boldness that had risen up in me that didn’t run away from the pain, sought to heal and didn’t let fear and doubt stop her from seeking what she truly desired.
Not enough people choose this path, so when you do, you know it’s something you need to be grateful for.
So relating this back again to success and failure I would say that true success comes from owning that you are a powerful creator and agent of change in your own life. It’s time to stop waiting for external things to come into alignment and be perfect before you can start living. Don’t wait for things around you to change, that’s playing the victim, become the change you desire to see in your life in and out of relationships and see what happens.
Happy Love Week!!!